Oh child, please sleep!

Hyrum's sleep (or lack thereof) has become a bit of an obsession for me these past few weeks.  I've waffled back and forth about what to do.  One moment all I want to do is hold him and show him that I'm here for him in what is clearly a very hard time for him (sleep regression, teething, a cold--all at once, bleh!) and sometimes I find myself frustrated so I just need five minutes away to collect myself and end up ignoring my little guy's cries for that time.  Oh what to do, what to do.

Yeah, I still don't have the answer but here are a few questions/thoughts I keep having:

1) A baby cannot manipulate.  It's impossible in the first year of life so at least, no matter what I do, I can remember that this isn't a character flaw or anything.  I haven't screwed him up and turned him into a pint-sized sociopath.
2) Mommies are important too.  This isn't a one-way relationship so it's alright for me to accept help, let my house be a little messy for a while, or even sleep-train if it comes down to that.  I'm not selfish for needing some "me" time or needing sleep.
3) Whatever I choose to do, I want to look back on this period of my life without a lot of guilt and without regret.
4) I want to feel close to my little one.  Perhaps I need to up the cuddling, holding, babywearing, etc.
5) This really will end some day.  No matter what I choose to do, some day my baby will sleep through the night.  It really will happen.  In fact, there may be a day when I wish I could get him OUT of bed!
6) At the end of the day there is one person, and one person only, that I can control--me.  I can't force my kid to sleep but I can control how I react to it.  That being said, 4am me is not the same as 4pm me.  Just sayin'.

I know I'm not alone out there.  What have some of you mamas done/told yourself during rough patches?

Giving me (or rather, YOU) a break

In my challenge to "take the easy way out," I've thought a lot about my own insecurities as a mom.  That feeling of judgement, that desire to be the best mom possible, and the pressure that comes along with it.  But here's someone else who needs a break--my fellow moms!  I have been a bit, shall we say, outspoken (?) about my dislike of controlled crying or "cry it out."  In reality, I still don't really love it.  But here's something--I think I've reached the breaking point for me and our current sleep situation and I, yes I, the hater of cry-it-out, have seriously considered it.  Thus far I think I've made it a whole five minutes before feeling terrible and going in to rescue my little guy.  I'm still not sure I'll actually be able to go through with it, but if nothing else I've learned a great lesson--Thou shalt not judge your fellow moms.

Through all of this I keep thinking about what in the world I'm supposed to learn from this situation.  I find myself doubting like crazy (one of the many problems of lack of sleep).  I want to be the best mom possible and in my quest I've perhaps gone to a bit of an extreme--not necessarily in my mothering but certainly in my treatment of my fellow mommies.

And so my friends, here's sending you the break you deserve.  May you know how wonderful of a mom you are.  May you also know that if you're looking for a break, here it is.  Way to go, Mom!  And sorry for any negative vibes you sensed from yours truly.

The Happiest Mom Challenge: Take the Easy Way Out

"Being a happy mom is all about being yourself, not what anyone else thinks you should be, and relaxing enough to enjoy your kids and the rest of your life without too much second-guessing...move past the 'shoulds' and guilt, and be the kind of mother you want to be." (Francis 23)

I mentioned in my last post that I planned to blog my way through my "The Happiest Mom" challenge.  My plan is to pick one of the secrets to happy motherhood in Meagan Francis's book and find ways to implement it each month.  I won't necessarily go in order, but for the first month I thought I would start with her first secret--take the easy way out.

Now, you're hopefully better at this than me, but when I'm in a group of people (especially women, and above all, other moms), I start to compare myself to them.  Suzie makes all of her noodles from scratch, Shari hasn't had sugar in 12 years, Betsy hand makes all of her children's clothes, and Molly never, ever seems to be frazzled.  Meanwhile, I sit in my corner thinking about how it has never even occurred to me to make my own noodles, I think I would die without at least a little bit of sugar in my life, I stare at my kiddo's second-hand "made in China" T-shirt, and I'm not sure I showered this morning, and I definitely don't have any make-up on.

Anyone else ever feel like that?  Here's hoping so and hoping not at the same time.  In any case, I definitely find myself comparing, feeling overwhelmed, and sometimes even  a bit lonely in my apparent "loser Mom" status.

But then I step back and realize that 1) I can't do everything and 2) I don't even want to do all of those things.  I just want to know that I'm a good mom.  You would think by now I would just accept the fact that I'm not that bad and move on.  But, you know, I get feeling a bit insecure from time to time.

For example, the last couple of weeks due to teething, vacation, and heaven knows what else, I have had one very nightwaking baby.  I don't think there has ever been a time in his life when he has woken up this much.  Normally our co-sleeping situation works just fine and everyone is able to get a good night's sleep, but not these past few weeks.  And it's really taken a toll on me emotionally.

In a moment of frustration and fatigue, I shared this experience with a few ladies from church.  A couple of them were remarkably sympathetic and gave me a few tips for things that worked for them.  Others were a little more forceful in their comments and I just walked away feeling like a terrible mother.  I know they meant well but I just didn't feel comfortable with their suggestions and most of all, I just felt like a terrible mom.  When I came home, I was near tears as I  recounted the details of my conversation to Brennan.  For some reason, even though I feel that we've made well-informed and thoughtful decisions regarding our family's sleep situation, I started doubting myself.  Not because I thought we had done something wrong, but because I began to worry that we took "the easy way out"--like that was a bad thing--and now I was paying for it.

As we talked through some of our options Brennan turned to me and he said, "you know, one of the signs that you're a good mom is that you've really thought about this and you really care about it."  After some thought (and a nap!) I realized that here was the thing that was most important: everyone got the sleep they needed.  It didn't really matter what that looked like and it didn't matter if it was conventional.  It didn't matter if I took a nap instead of scrubbing the cupboards.  It didn't matter if Hyrum took a nap in my arms while I read a book instead of in his crib.  It didn't matter if I went to bed earlier rather than watching (yet another) episode of Arrested Development.

And so here I am, taking the easy way out.  And that's okay.  Nobody asked me to be Superwoman, they just asked me to be Mom.  I can be Mom with my store-bought noodles or with homemade ones.  I can be Mom if my kiddo sleeps all night in the next room or right beside me.  I can be Mom with my not-so-designer clothes and half-done make-up.

Now, as I write this, I don't think the answer is to take "the easy way out" on everything--just put some thought into the things you do that 1) don't make you happy and 2) don't really seem to be benefiting you, your family, or your children.  Even though disposables might be easier than cloth, using cloth diapers makes me happy and it helps my family financially.  I really like cooking dinner at home every night and it's generally healthier (and much cheaper) than eating out.  But I'm fine buying canned beans rather than soaking dried ones, and I'm fine using disposable wipes rather than cloth ones (though I tried that bandwagon...just wasn't for me).  I think we just need to find where to draw the line so that life as a mom (and in general) is, well, happy!

This month I'm going to look for ways that I can move past the guilt, the 'shoulds,' and take the easy way out.  Anyone want to join me in this challenge?  Are there things that you do "the easy way" that help to make you happy?  I'd love to hear!

Book Review: The Happiest Mom

I've been following The Happiest Mom blog for a few months now.  Meagan Francis has 5 children, and while many moms with a large number of children may find themselves lost in the hustle and bustle of taxi driving and soccer games, Francis seems to have found herself.  While she is not a member of my faith, I feel that she is the epitome of someone who has found nobility in motherhood and joy in womanhood.  When I found out that she published a book with Parenting Magazine under the same name as her blog, I knew I had to get my hands on it.

Other than Dr. Sears's The Baby Book, I wish I had read this, and only this, book before becoming a mom.  Here's why: So many baby books out there prescribe a set of rules and formulas, but Francis shares practical advice that will help to fill your confidence in yourself rather than questioning.  Here's the premise: Happy moms have happy children.  If you want the best for your kids, learn to be kind to yourself.

The Happiest Mom: 10 Secrets to Enjoying Motherhood is chalked full of practical advice and stories from a mom who has been there, done that.  Her off-the-cuff humor had me chuckling, both in recognition and in anticipation for the great stories of motherhood to come.  While her book is definitely aimed at mothers, her tips for enjoying motherhood are really tips for enjoying life--whether you're a mother or not.

Whether you're looking for ways to deal with busy-body moms in your playgroup, a messy kitchen that is getting under your skin, or feeling overwhelmed by all of your to-do list items, Francis has some pointers that will help just about any one.  Best part?  You'll feel good about yourself with every page.  This ain't no "you're not doing good enough" book because, well, the message is about being happy, and guilt and happiness do not mix.  Also, the book itself is beautiful.  Colorful, doodle-full, and side-bar-full, you'll enjoy more than the words on the page. You'll enjoy just looking at it.  If you're already a happy mom, The Happiest Mom will provide that pick-me-up on the hard days or at least lend a laugh in the meantime.

I actually liked this book so much that I've decided I would focus on implementing one of her secrets each month.  Stay tuned!

Blog title

So, I changed my blog title...again.  I started out calling it "Posting about Parenting" because that's what I was doing--posting my thoughts about my adventure in parenting.  And then I figured that put a little too much pressure on me.  I'm no expert, I'm just me and this is my adventure.  Then I changed the title to "One Happy Mommy" because I wanted to make it clear that this way my adventure and I'm just one happy mommy.  Again, too much pressure.  I felt like people just assumed that I was saying this was the one way to be a happy mommy.  And so I've changed the title again.  I hope I haven't caused too much confusion in the world....yeah, not like many people read this thing anyway.  Go back to your lives that are more important than my blog title.

New mommy sleep updates

The number one way to spot a new mommy is to read her Facebook statuses because they'll inevitably say something about sleep.  _________ slept ____hours last night!  seems to permeate my Facebook feed every time one of my friends has a new baby.  I know I definitely had such updates and I would guess that roughly 95% of my new mommy friends on Facebook have done the same.  Each time I read one of these updates I tend to get a little frustrated--not because of the excitement or because I think that sleep is unimportant, but because I think it says something about how we judge the worth of a parent.  

New moms want to feel validated.  Those first couple months after the birth of a baby are a very vulnerable time for new parents.  Just about everyone--stranger, friend, or foe--has a piece of advice for you.  When a lot of it conflicts, especially with your own personal beliefs, it may cause frustration, feelings of inadequacy and even depression.  Even though my baby is well beyond the newborn stage I still have random strangers ask me how my baby sleeps.  Why does it matter that much to everyone?  Why do I never seem to get questions like, "How are you enjoying your time as a mother?", "How is your bond with your baby?", or even "do you feel well-rested?"

I'm not saying that the issue of sleep should never be discussed, I just wish it didn't seem to be the only thing that was discussed in new mommy circles, mostly because I don't think it's a question that leaves most new moms feeling any better.  Here are the facts: Babies are terrible sleepers and unless sleep is forced upon them, most will continue waking at least 1-2 times a night throughout the first year.

Maybe it's silly that I feel passionate about this, but after sitting in my La Leche League meeting last week I found there were too many mothers who felt terrible about themselves because their baby wasn't sleeping through the night.  These feelings weren't borne from fatigue or exhaustion--they were borne of feelings of inadequacy.  Personally, I just don't think that's fair.  Instead of berating and belittling the mother who responds time and time again to her child's needs, why don't we celebrate that?  Why do we not celebrate self-sacrifice, when that sacrifice is willingly made?  I know that for me, my questions will change.  I think there needs to be a little more rallying, some more offers to help, and many more encouraging words.  Goodness knows, a new mom needs kind words even more than she needs 8 straight hours of sleep.

Less internet = happier mom

As many of you can probably tell, I get a little passionate from time to time about a few issues.  It's fine to be passionate, at least in my mind.  But, sometimes I let my passion slide over into judgement.  I don't really like that about myself.  I've really been struggling for a few months now to find a way to still feel passionate about things that feel right or wrong to me without slipping into "that mom" that I don't want to be.  After some prayer, some thinking, and some good conversations, I feel that I'm getting closer to where I want to be.  But if I were to list the one single thing that has made the biggest difference it would be spending less time online.

I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with being online.  I think a lot of good things come from the internet and I definitely still enjoy me some Facebook and blogging time.  But I have found that spending less time reading other people's inflamed blog posts or status updates helps me to feel a little less inflamed.  Perhaps reading about other people's passions (whether they align with mine or not) just throws flames on my smouldering  embers.  Or perhaps I just get to live in my own little world where I don't know what other people are doing as much, so I can live more comfortably without worrying that I'm being judged.  Or, really, maybe just blogging less means that I don't structure arguments in my head as much.  Whatever it is, I just feel a lot better about it.

Now, don't get me wrong, I still feel a lot of passion about things.  Just today I commented on and concurred with a friend's anti-Babywise Facebook status with gusto.  But instead of feeling a huge vindictive surge against everyone and anything that upholds said book, I tried to talk about my feelings regarding the ideas in said book without passing judgement on those who have chosen to follow it.  I hope I was successful in my intentions.

In any case, I've really found that less internet = less judgemental = happier mom.  What this probably means in practical terms for this blog is that I'll be posting less.  But for now, that just feels like the right thing for me.

Whether it's internet, TV, or something else, do you find that you have things that affect your mood as a mom (or dad)?