Weighing in on the CIO debate

There is probably no topic that separates parents and contributes to mommy wars like sleep training. I've been pretty outspoken about my dislike of the cry it out approach in the past and really, I'm still not a fan.

That being said, I've had a bit of a change of heart these past few months--partly because I'm living in a less-than-ideal baby sleeping situation currently and partly because I realize that families are doing their very best and could use as much encouragement as possible. Also, I'm starting to realize that "cry it out" really does seem to be a "damned if you do and damned if you don't" sort of dilemma. As we've been facing our own sleep dilemmas, I've been doing a lot of reading and a lot of thinking. Thus far, here are the arguments for and against CIO that seem legitimate (in my mind).

For:

• CIO enables the baby or young child to learn the important skill of going to sleep unaided. Lack of this skill may result in years of parental involvement in aiding a child to go to sleep and/or issues with insomnia later in life.
• CIO often results in more sleep overall and more consolidated sleep as the child is able to return to sleep unaided. Lack of sleep and consolidated sleep has been linked to lower IQ scores, less empathy, behavioral problems, and ADHD.
• Parents are able to get the sleep they need to be understanding, empathetic, patient, and have fun with their children.

Against

• CIO may weaken parent/child attachment, teach child that they cannot trust their parents and/or environment. This may result in less attachment promoting behaviors including less empathy and behavioral problems.
• CIO has been linked with brain damage, lower IQ scores, and ADHD.
• CIO may cause unhealthy fears of sleep and/or the dark.
• CIO may cause a parent to lose trust in their baby's cues and therefore be less understanding, empathetic, patient, etc.

Anyone else see a major dilemma here? Basically, if you CIO you're destroying your child's life and if you don't CIO you're destroying your child's life...and most of the evidence points to the exact same emotional/behavioral/societal problems. Blast.

Here's what I think deep down inside. I don't think there is any one right answer.  There really is no way to quantitatively or qualitatively measure the affects of CIO, or lack thereof. However, there are a few well-established theories that most scientists and doctors agree on:

• Babies under 12 weeks of age cannot self-soothe (Weissbluth). Therefore, it would make sense that there could be some negative emotional/psychological/sociological affects of allowing a newborn to CIO.
• It is impossible to spoil a child in the first year of life (Erickson). (note: I'm not suggesting that parents should NOT sleep train in the first year of life. Just that there cannot be any "spoiling" if parents choose not to do so during the first 12 months).
• Accumulative sleep deprivation can be physically and mentally detrimental to both children and their parents.

Beyond these points, I feel that most points used to sell or protest the CIO approach to sleep training are purely conjecture. Whatever side of the fence you fall on probably has more to do with your personal preferences, beliefs, and intuition.

On that last point--intuition--I just want to make mention that because of my personal spiritual beliefs and faith, I feel that parents, and only the parents, can receive personal revelation for their child. Maybe this is a bit personal, but I feel that the choice to, not to, how, when, where to sleep train, is something that should be made a matter of intense thought and prayer. It's important for parents to know and study their options, make a decision that feels right based on their family's individual circumstances at that time, and then take the matter to the Lord. Only then parents will have confirmation from the only True Source as to the best course of action for their family. I feel that if this were the way that all parents went about making decisions for their families, then maybe all of the mommy wars on this subject could stop. 

Book Review Three in a Bed: The Benefits of Sleeping with Your Baby

I read this book a few months ago and didn't get around to reviewing it because of my silly space bar dilemma. So, here goes.

I really enjoyed reading Three in a Bed. It definitely appealed to the nerd within me as it had literally hundreds of quotes from cultural anthropologists, psychologists, medical doctors, professors, historical treatises on parenting, and the #1 experts--real parents.  There was a quote on almost every single page pointing to the benefits of sleeping with your baby, babywearing, forgoing cry-it-out sleep training, breastfeeding, etc.  It is written by Deborah Jackson, British mother of three, all of whom co-slept with her and her husband.

Jackson held traditional views about where a baby should sleep--in his crib, in his own room--until reading The Continuum Concept: In Search of Happiness Lost by Jean Liedorff.  In a section of Liedorff's book, she speaks of her experience one night sleeping in the jungle among the natives of South America.  At one point, all of the sleepers were awakened, one told a joke, they all laughed, and then went immediately back to sleep.  There were no sleep troubles and every person was able to be roused, awakened, and fall back asleep without any problems whatsoever.  In her study of this same group of natives, she found that within their culture, families slept together rather than separately, as is the custom in most of Western society.  She concluded that a lot of our sleep problems in the West--from insomnia to general tiredness--have been created by our "laboratory style" sleep conditions including lights out, comfortable bed, quietness, and undisturbed sleep. As such, these laboratory sleep conditions may, in fact, be creating sleep problems rather than preventing them.  And so, Jackson decided in the final weeks of pregnancy with her first child, to get rid of their assembled crib and bring Baby to bed with her and her husband.

Throughout the book, Jackson addresses a myriad of issues that face the co-sleeping family including the typical concerns about SIDS, overlaying, and general safety.  She also addresses practical matters such as sexual intimacy between husband and wife (which, was one part of the book that I didn't really catch her fire.  She basically subscribes to the thought that it's not that big of a deal if Baby is there, awake or asleep, and that it may even be healthy for babies and very young children to be privy to sexual exchanges between parents.  Not really my cup of tea, personally but whatever floats your boat); how to wean from the family bed when desired; as well as the emotional, health, sociological, and psychological benefits to co-sleeping.

My personal favorite section was her chapter entitled "Nomads and Nannies" where she examines parenting practices across many cultures.  She dispels the belief that all "uncivilized" and non-Western cultures are high-touch, co-sleeping, and nurturing.  Instead, she gives example after example of gentle parenting practices in some cultures, and how they, in turn, produce a culture characterized as gentle, meek, and kind.  In contrast, she gives mention to aggressive cultures that are highly disciplined, leave young babies to cry excessively (at one point, she talks about a culture that swaddles their babies and put them in a hanging basket on the wall except for when they are permitted to eat or to be changed), and who do not nurture and hold their babies.  Jackson suggests that perhaps our aggressive Western culture spawns from low-touch, overly disciplined parenting practices.  I think that's a little simplistic, but definitely some food for thought.

I would certainly recommend this book to anyone who has considered co-sleeping in their family.  I do wish she had included a little more information about how to handle a few of the issues we're currently facing in our co-sleeping situation--i.e. Mr. Baby Bed Hog and how to prevent my arms from falling asleep when they're trying to avoid Mr. Baby Bed Hog.  Again, I didn't agree or buy everything she had to say but overall, I found it to be very informative, enlightening, and thought-provoking book.

Happy Reading!

Sleep...more than training.

I'm sure a lot of you have seen a lot of the I'm a Mormon videos on YouTube and mormon.org.  I think what I like the most about the videos (and what is surely the purpose behind the campaign), is that they show that there is no one way to be a Mormon.  Outside of basic doctrines, Mormons are about as different from one another as can be, and that's okay.  Or at least it should be.

It's no secret that I've built my Mom-denity around the philosophies of attachment parenting.  For the most part, I've gladly embraced the label.  But sometimes I find myself feeling a little anxious.   "Am I holding my baby enough?", "Is our breastfeeding relationship successful enough?", "Should I really enjoy night feedings more than a good night's sleep?", and other questions.

As I've been thinking more and more about my challenge to "take the easy way out," I realize that I've lost track of what my parenting philosophies really are.  I would say that I definitely still fit the bill of the "attachment parenting mama" but from time to time I seem to lose focus as to what attachment parenting is really all about--making choices that bring you closer to your children so you will know how to be the best parent possible for your individual child(ren).  

I love babywearing and bedsharing, breastfeeding and bonding.  But maybe it's okay for me to say, "okay, bedsharing was great! Now it's not working for us any more."  Or, "babywearing is fantastic but right now, I'd prefer we go for a walk with the stroller rather than the carrier," or whatnot.

Whether you're an AP mama or whatever, it's good to remember that we can be who we are, strive to become better and better, and don't have to fit some pre-defined label as to what that should be.  Maybe that's just "taking the easy way out," but I'm okay with that.

Oh child, please sleep!

Hyrum's sleep (or lack thereof) has become a bit of an obsession for me these past few weeks.  I've waffled back and forth about what to do.  One moment all I want to do is hold him and show him that I'm here for him in what is clearly a very hard time for him (sleep regression, teething, a cold--all at once, bleh!) and sometimes I find myself frustrated so I just need five minutes away to collect myself and end up ignoring my little guy's cries for that time.  Oh what to do, what to do.

Yeah, I still don't have the answer but here are a few questions/thoughts I keep having:

1) A baby cannot manipulate.  It's impossible in the first year of life so at least, no matter what I do, I can remember that this isn't a character flaw or anything.  I haven't screwed him up and turned him into a pint-sized sociopath.
2) Mommies are important too.  This isn't a one-way relationship so it's alright for me to accept help, let my house be a little messy for a while, or even sleep-train if it comes down to that.  I'm not selfish for needing some "me" time or needing sleep.
3) Whatever I choose to do, I want to look back on this period of my life without a lot of guilt and without regret.
4) I want to feel close to my little one.  Perhaps I need to up the cuddling, holding, babywearing, etc.
5) This really will end some day.  No matter what I choose to do, some day my baby will sleep through the night.  It really will happen.  In fact, there may be a day when I wish I could get him OUT of bed!
6) At the end of the day there is one person, and one person only, that I can control--me.  I can't force my kid to sleep but I can control how I react to it.  That being said, 4am me is not the same as 4pm me.  Just sayin'.

I know I'm not alone out there.  What have some of you mamas done/told yourself during rough patches?

A feminist questions the hegemony behind no co-sleeping

I guess you could call me a feminist. It's hard to embrace that term when it has such a negative connotation. You know, the bra burners of the 60s and such. That's all anyone thinks about. Never mind that feminism began with women winning the vote, wearing pants, women attending college, and reproductive rights. Even those who shrink at the word "feminist" believe that it's okay for women to wear a pair of blue jeans, cast a vote, obtain a college degree, and take a birth control pill if she wants to. But whatever. We can keep thinking the word is dirty if that is desired. But for the record, I wear pants. And I went to college. I vote. And, well, I've taken birth control in my life.

So, let's take it I'm a feminist and go from there.

I don't like men telling me how to be a woman. Period. As a mom who loves to read about parenting, I've noticed how many parenting books out there --almost exclusively aimed at the mother--are written by men. And not surprisingly, most of them are aimed at sleeping. Oh sleep...it seems as if that's all anyone can talk about when it comes to babies and young children. "Is he sleeping through the night?" "Are you sleep training him?" "How did he sleep last night?" "Does he take good naps?" To be honest, it kind of drives me batty. In fact, it's gotten to the point where I've started telling people that yes, he does sleep through the night. Because guess what, he does sleep during the night. Maybe not without waking for a little bit of comfort but he surely does sleep through the night.

And then I started wondering, why is this such a big deal to people? Here's where I pull out my feminist card...male authors. With few exceptions (i.e. the Sears family doctors) most male authors place enormous weight on sleep (Ezzo, Weissbluth, Ferber)--how long, how they get to sleep, and most importantly, where they sleep.

Is it that big of a surprise that male authors would be the ones to suggest moving the baby to his own bed, in his own room? While there's a baby there he's got to be a little more creative to get some action between the covers. So the simply solution is obviously to move the baby to his own bed, in his own room, and to help mothers feel better about it, they use the word "safety."

Whether you're a co-sleeper or not, it ain't hard to see where all of the fuel for solitary sleeping is coming from. After analyzing the statistics, as much as many pediatricians will give a thumbs down to co-sleeping, your baby actually has a higher chance of survival in the night if he's in your bed rather than in a crib. (Statistics gathered in 1997 suggest that while 515 infants died of "overlaying" in an adult bed, 2705 died of SIDS--the large majority of which were sleeping solitary). And yet, sleeping with your infant or young child is scolded, something that many families do but don't tell because if your kid sleeps with you, you're a "bad parent."

But here's the thing, families across the world have been sleeping with their infants for thousands of years. Why? Most white Americans say it's a cultural decision. People from "other cultures" do it, but we're above that. We should note that white American (mostly males) were also the ones to say that infant formula (which used to be nothing more than flour mixed with water and perhaps a little bit of cow's milk) was superior to breast milk. Throughout the 18th-early 20th centuries, women were told to feed their babies on schedules. When their milk supply slowly dropped, they had the advantage of turning to the "superior" infant formulas. Again, men were telling women how to feed their children when for thousands of years they had been doing just fine. However, with the turn to infant formula, the adult male, not the baby, was the owner of the woman's body.

Since we've been able to acknowledge that the "experts" of the past were incorrect about breastfeeding, why is it that we haven't acknowledged that they are also incorrect regarding the location of baby in the nighttime? If you talk to most (by choice) co-sleeping mothers they'll tell you they love the feel of their baby next to them. They love waking in the morning to her family being together. She'll tell you it feels natural and wonderful. She'll more than likely tell you that she's well-rested. Hmmm...sleep for all, feels natural, allows for the continuation of the breastfeeding relationship...sounds like a positive thing to me.

If nothing else, I'm curious as to how this will pan out in 50-100 years. Will our grandchildren look back on our time the way we look back at the advice of doctors of the 1940s and 50s? A time when they told women their breasts were too small to breastfeed? A time when they told women to feed on a strict 4 hour schedule for the good of the baby and themselves? Will our children's children have the information that proves that what families have been doing for hundreds of thousands of years is safest? I'm curious to watch.

Why don't you "cry-it-out"?

"Crying-it-out" (CIO) almost seems like a rite of passage for today's parents. From friends to parenting books to some pediatricians, it is touted as the only way to get your baby to "sleep through the night." As such, many people have wondered why our family doesn't plan on letting our babies "cry-it-out."

My parents never let any of us "cry it out." When I was a kid, it sounded like the harshest thing in the world. But in readying ourselves for parenthood, it seemed like my parents were perhaps the exception. At first I figured that we, too, would have to resort to CIO because, well, that's what everyone told us we would have to do. However, after quite a bit of research on both sides of the argument and some heartfelt searching, we have chosen to not let our babies "cry it out." Here are our reasons why:

1) Babies are not one-size-fits-all: While there are certainly trends and averages in baby needs, no two babies are the same. As such, supposing that all babies could or should be "sleeping through the night" at such-and-such an age is faulty. To force a child to sleep through the night before they are ready could have negative health, emotional, and developmental consequences.

2) Increased risk of SIDS: As I mentioned in my post about co-sleeping, cultures in which bed sharing is the norm, the rate of SIDS is lower and in some cases, non-existent. One of the reasons this is likely so is because in these same cultures, crying-it-out is considered abusive and is virtually unheard of. In the first year of life, night wakings are part of a baby's survival techniques. If a baby sleeps too long or is in too deep of a sleep, the rate of SIDS is significantly higher. This is because their biological clocks, essentially, don't "wake" them to save them from falling into too deep of a sleep.

3) Unhealthy bodily changes in babies: When babies are left to cry alone for extended periods of time, their heart rate and blood pressure increases, muscles tense, and their bodies are flooded with harmful stress hormones. Extended crying in babyhood has been linked to ADHD, behavioral problems, learning disabilities, violent outbursts, and anti-social behavior in children.

4) Goes against a mother's natural tendencies: It's incredible how mothers know their baby's cry from any other baby. Even as early when I was in the hospital after giving birth, I could tell if it was my baby or another baby that was being wheeled down the hall from the nursery. I believe this recognition is very important for mothers and babies. It is a survival technique for the baby and a bonding technique for the mother. When a mother's baby cries, like her baby, her heart rate rises, milk flows to her breasts, her blood pressure rises and she feels a legitimate need to tend to her baby. In ignoring a baby's cry, a mother causes herself the same type of physical changes that would occur during an intense argument or following a traumatic event.

5) Reduces parents and babies confidence in sending/receiving cues: Babies cry for a reason. It's their only way to communicate. When parents ignore their baby's cries, it causes them to lose confidence in their abilities to communicate their needs. As such, many babies will stop crying at night (the sign of "success") because they know their cries will not be responded to. This could prove dangerous in the case of a life-threatening situation (i.e. baby has blanket caught over her head but since she's in her crib, doesn't cry for help) or discomforting (i.e. baby is cold, teething, sick, or otherwise uncomfortable but doesn't cry for help). For parents, it results in less sensitivity towards their babies cues. When crying is ignored, it is hard to be able to ascertain what the crying is for.

6) Can result in a detached baby: Similar to the previous point, babies who are left to cry may feel rejected by their loving parents. Though the parents know they're trying to teach the baby a skill, babies don't understand that. All they understand is that they have been left. This can lead to feeling abandoned and can result in babies who are fussy, "not there", or otherwise apathetic.

7) My heart can't take it: When we're driving in the car or I otherwise truly cannot tend to my crying baby, my heart hurts but I know there's nothing I can do in that moment. I don't think my heart could take it when there is something I truly can do--go in and pick up my baby, rock him, hold him, nurse him, or otherwise give him comfort.

8) Sometimes it simply doesn't "work": Some babies truly will not give up. They vomit, they bang their heads against the crib, they cry for hours, etc. and still will not let up. Unfortunately, the only way to know if your baby will or will not respond to CIO is to try it. We're not willing to take that gamble. Also, even if it does "work", in that after a few days your baby doesn't cry when you put him down to sleep in his crib, bouts of teething, vacation, visitors, or any other disruption to baby's schedule may require parents to do it all over again. I don't think I could put myself or my baby through multiple rounds of CIO.

9) Babies have nighttime needs: While a baby may not need (in the sense that they can survive without it) a night feeding or a cuddle, most of us adults desire a snack, a glass of water, a trip to the bathroom, etc. in the middle of the night. I don't know many adults who go without one of those things for 12 hours from 8pm to 8am, so why do we expect that of our littlest ones?

10) Babies have feelings too: I don't know about everyone else out there, but if I was having a hard day or a hard time acquiring a certain skill, I would feel awful if my husband left me to just "cry it out" alone. In fact, I would feel awful about myself and would likely resent him for ignoring me, even if it was in my "best interest."

11) This world needs more love: I especially think about this with subsequent children. If my preschooler were to watch me intentionally ignore his baby brother or baby sister's cries, then what does that teach him about empathy and compassion? Tending to my baby's needs will show older children that we should respect one another's feelings and "comfort those who stand in need of comfort."

All this being said, I know many loving parents who chose to let their baby cry it out. Most say they felt awful, but their mother/pediatrician/friend/book told them this is what you have to do to help your baby learn to sleep. In reality, if it really did only take a few nights and if things did go as smoothly as "the books" say it will go, likely, no harm has been done. All in all I think families need to make the decision whether or not to cry-it-out. But, I do think it should be an informed decision rather than one based simply off of what someone else (books, pediatrician, friend, grandma, etc.) who doesn't know your child nearly as well as you do, says you should do.

The benefits of co-sleeping

First of all, I should mention that before I had my baby I swore I would NEVER co-sleep. It seemed far too dangerous and I (mistakenly) thought that it didn't teach babies to be independent. With that in mind, I completely understand if half of you choose to completely ignore this post. We actually didn't begin consistent co-sleeping until our baby was about 3 months old because I was so scared of rolling over on baby or having him become entangled in the bedding. However, now that I am acquainted with safe co-sleeping practices, I would and do feel comfortable co-sleeping with a baby at any age.

When a couple prepares for the birth of a new baby there is almost always the creation of a nursery complete with a rocking chair, a changing table, pictures of cuddly animals on the wall and most importantly, a crib. However, when the little baby is brought home the new parents notice that the baby doesn't like being alone in a crib or a bassinet--and with good reason! Baby's been sharing the bed with Mommy and Daddy for 9 months and then very suddenly she's expected to be alone. Womb one day, solitary crib the next--talk about a tough transition!

The decision to co-sleep is one that should be made wisely and it truly isn't for everyone. Some parents can't sleep well with baby in bed and some babies do sleep better in their own bed. Some parents aren't willing or are unable to give up things that would make for a safe co-sleeping arrangements. Others simply don't want to do it and that's fine too. But, if you're on the fence, here are some wonderful benefits afforded to co-sleeping families.

Better (and more!) sleep for mom and baby: While studies show that mothers who co-sleep with their babies are awakened more frequently, the wakings are usually briefer and occur in lighter stages of sleep. This allows for mother and baby to both return to sleep quicker. Often times mom is able to respond to baby without even fully awakening. This was especially helpful for me, personally, because when my new baby would wake up and I would tend to him in the next room, I would be wide awake by the time he fell back asleep. I began suffering from bouts of insomnia. Once I began co-sleeping with my baby, I was able to quickly tend to him and return to sleep. In the morning, both of us were much better rested.

More bonding time: This is especially worthwhile for working parents who feel they do not see their children enough during the day. Being a stay-at-home mom, I obviously have lots of time during the day to spend with my baby but a lot of that time is spent doing housework, running errands, or otherwise taking care of the to-do list. Co-sleeping affords us some quality time together when that is our only concern--being together. Also, it allows my husband more time to be near his son. Some absolutely beautiful moments have been spent with my husband putting his arm around me and holding our little baby's hand.

Developmental benefits: Studies have shown that children who co-sleep are more independent and have better self-esteem than those who practice solitary sleep: “routinely sharing the parents’ bed in infancy has been associated with greater self-reliance and social independence at preschool age than a history of solitary sleeping (Keller, M. A., and Goldberg, 2004).”

Makes Dad aware of night wakings: While I don't have any scientific or developmental reasons for mentioning this, having my husband more aware of our baby's night wakings and nighttime needs helps me to feel greater support from him. He has also been more involved with helping to soothe our little baby if he briefly awakens, helping him to easily go back to sleep with a gentle pat or a soothing touch.

Easier breastfeeding: C0-sleeping babies breastfeed more frequently and with greater ease than solitary sleeping babies. More frequent feedings can be especially helpful for newborn babies who are struggling to gain weight or for mothers who are not producing enough milk. This can be especially useful for working mothers who are pumping. Night feedings also ensure that older babies who are otherwise too distracted or too active to take full feedings during the day are getting enough breast milk. Co-sleeping mothers are also more likely to continue breastfeeding longer.

Reduced anxiety: Any mother will tell you that the most ridiculous thoughts concerning your baby will pop into your head in the middle of the night. When my baby was sleeping in a separate room, I would have irrational thoughts of someone stealing him in the middle of the night. I would also worry that maybe he had stopped breathing. I seriously would get up 4 or 5 times in a one-hour period to make sure he was still there and still breathing. I had one friend tell me that she would concoct thoughts of her baby finding a Cheerio in her bed and choking on it in the middle of the night. Whatever the thoughts and no matter how silly we know we are for having them, mommies worry and worry keeps a person awake. Having my baby next to me allows me to check on him easily without waking myself up or filling myself with anxiety.

Greater safety for baby: In conjunction with the last point, co-sleeping babies are actually safer than solitary sleeping babies when safe co-sleeping precautions are taken. Co-sleeping mothers are much more aware of their babies and are easily aroused if something is amiss (i.e. choking, caught under a blanket, etc.) In countries where co-sleeping is the norm, the rate of SIDS is significantly less than it is in the US and in some of these countries there has never been a SIDS death.

Co-sleeping babies and mothers are biologically connected: Studies have shown that when a breastfeeding mother and her baby co-sleep, their circadian rhythms align. This is why co-sleeping mothers report feeling better rested than those who practice solitary sleeping. When baby awakens, mom was in a light sleep as well and therefore awakens easily and falls back asleep easily. Mothers seem to be wired to share sleep with their babies.

Greater satisfaction with baby: Polls have shown that mothers who co-sleep are less likely to believe their child's night wakings are problematic than those who practice solitary sleep. I can add personal testimony to this. While there are certainly nights when my baby's night wakings seem like a hindrance, since we have started co-sleeping, those nights seem far more the exception than they did before.

Again, co-sleeping isn't for every one or every family. Before making the decision to co-sleep, both parents need to be on board. Having Mom and Baby in bed with Dad on the couch certainly isn't conducive to wholesome family relationships. If one or both parents are opposed to the idea of co-sleeping, you can consider some other possibilities including an Arm's reach co-sleeper, a sidecar crib arrangement, having baby in the same room but not in the same bed, or moving baby to his own room all together.

Another thing to consider in the decision to co-sleep is couple time. Many couples worry about how co-sleeping will affect their time for emotional and/or physical intimacy. Obviously, that is an arrangement that is best made between partners. Some people are perfectly fine sharing those moments with baby next to them but most of us are a little squeamish. If having baby in bed with you while being physically intimate is fine by you, then by all means, go for it. Baby certainly doesn't know what's going on and isn't going to remember a thing. If it touches a sensitive nerve for you, then consider playing musical beds. In our family, baby sleeps in his crib for the first part of the night so my husband and I can spend some much needed time together without having to worry about waking baby up. It also ensures that we can leave the room (baby shouldn't be left alone on a parent bed, especially once she can get up and explore!) and come and go as we please. When baby wakes up, he's welcomed into our bed. Strangely, I look forward to that first night waking.

In summary, do what works best for you and your family. For us, co-sleeping has been a wonderful way to increase our closeness as a family and to provide for our nighttime needs.

That blasted pacifier

When Hyrum was a tinsy baby, he had a ridiculously strong sucking reflex (shouldn't be surprising considering his mother's thumb-sucking addiction until age 8!) Even the nurses in the hospital commented on how he was "always on me" and asked if I wanted to take any bottles home. I replied that I was fine but I did accept their offer to give him a pacifier. Kid loved it. He never had a problem nursing so the whole "nipple confusion" thing kind of seems like a hoax (maybe there really are babies out there who have problems but I believe they're likely few and far between).

In just about every parenting book and website I read, they mentioned that one of the most important things for helping your baby learn how to put himself to sleep is to put him in the crib awake. So, off I go, swaddling, putting the binky in and BAM! Asleep! Little to no fussing at all. I'm a great mommy, pat on the back, wahoo!

But, one problem...sucking to sleep. Well my friends, my baby has learned to rely on sucking as comfort. Nursing or a pacifier is almost a must for helping him to go down. That would be fine except the fact that he therefore doesn't know how to put himself to sleep a few hours later when he wakes up and the pacifier has fallen out.

And thus we see the major obstacles--taking away the pacifier and nursing to sleep. The past few days my strategy has been to help Hyrum go down for naps without a pacifier during the day, even if it means rocking or swinging to sleep. My main goal is to break the sucking-to-sleep association. I try as hard as I can at night but figure that until naps are under control, night time is going to be hard. Tonight looked something like this: nurse, drowsy, burp, rock, fuss, rock, fuss, rock, fuss, nurse, rock, fuss, rock, put in crib, fuss, pick up and rock, put down again, fuss...cave and give pacifier, sleep.

Again, the plan is to be pretty rigorous about not sucking to sleep for naps because I can do other things such as go for a walk in the Moby wrap or go for a stroller ride. But nighttime is different, mostly because he's so tired by then. I still try really hard not to give in but I usually give up after 10-15 minutes of fighting it.

Have any of you had to take away the pacifier? How did you do it?

Patience

Every nap time and every night as I try to put Hyrum to bed, I think about how much easier and time effective it would be for me to just let him "cry-it-out." My pediatrician, friends, books, etc. keep reminding me how it would only take 3-5 days. I'm pretty sure the method I'm using is going to take a month or two. That's a big time difference. That's a month or two of it taking 10-20 minutes to get Hyrum down without resorting to full-on crying, a month or two of waking up repeatedly in the middle of the night, a month or two of not knowing when I'll just be able to put him in the crib and have him fall asleep completely on his own.

But I think it's worth it. Though it's a month or two, I don't have to do 3-5 days of listening to my baby cry and wondering when it will end. That much crying might feel like longer than a month or two in the moment so really, maybe I am making the more time conscious choice? Who knows...

For now I just keep reminding myself how much this is teaching ME. There are so many things we want right here, right now. And frankly, most things in this life that are important are worth waiting for. In this case, getting my baby to sleep for longer stretches at night and being able to fall asleep on his own are my goals. It means I can't just resort to my easy methods of just nursing him to sleep when he's grumpy. It works in the moment (oh, how it works!!!) but in the long run, it's not helping him.

So, here we go...patience Amy, patience.

The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Naps

Naps are important for babies. How a baby naps often points to how they sleep at night (and vise versa). Hyrum is an inconsistent napper. Some naps are long, others are short. Some are peaceful, others are restless. When he was younger, his naps were pretty consistent and usually peaceful. As he's gotten older, sleeping in general has gotten worse.

In efforts to help Hyrum sleep better at night, I realized I needed to tackle naps first. Here are some of the suggestions we are implementing from The No-Cry Sleep Solution:

1) start a nap routine, keep it simple: For our nap routine, I decided reading a book and a little bit of rocking could be a good way to wind down.
2) help your baby fall asleep different ways: I usually give the pacifier for naps. I'm going to try the following--breastfeeding until sleepy and putting down in crib, bouncing/rocking on the bouncy ball until sleepy and putting down in crib, going for a stroller ride and letting baby stay sleeping in the stroller, and lying down in bed with baby until asleep and putting in crib.
3) If baby's nap is less than an hour, work on extending the nap. Do whatever helps your baby fall back asleep: nursing almost always helps Hyrum go back to sleep so that seems the easiest go-to. I will also try replacing the pacifier before nursing to see if that will help.

The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Nighttime routine

I'm starting to work through a book called The No-Cry Sleep Solution to help Hyrum sleep through the night. One of the first steps listed is to create a nighttime routine that helps to signal sleepy time and help baby wind down. Right now our nighttime routine looks something like this:

7:15 bath time
7:25 massage
7:30 change into pajamas, nurse
7:45 Try to lay down in crib. If he cries, I'll pick him up and rock him or nurse him.

I realize that maybe I need this bedtime routine to be a little longer--not really to signal sleep because the current routine does that nicely--but to calm him down to get him ready for sleep. Here is my newly proposed plan:

1. 6:30pm--family walk
2. 7:00pm--bath
3. baby massage
4. change into pajamas
5. read 3 books
6. move to baby's room
7. lights out
8. sing Primary song
9. nurse
10. lay down in crib
10. rub tummy and stroke head
11. sleep

The main issue with this routine is the walk at 6:30pm. My husband doesn't get home from work until about 6pm. Normally we talk for a little while, make dinner together, play with the baby, and sit down to eat dinner. By the time we're done eating dinner, it's already after 7pm and basically time for Hyrum's bath. We could scratch the walk but since Daddy is at work all day, I really want us to be able to spend some time together as a family before Hyrum goes down for the night.

Therefore, I need to add a personal goal to our bedtime routine: have dinner ready at 6pm when Daddy walks through the door. While I really love the time that we spend talking in the kitchen together with the baby, we could move that time to the outdoors where we can all get a little bit of fresh air and spend time winding down together.