Baby hungry day

I'm having another one of those baby hungry days. Sometimes I want another baby so bad. I watch Hyrum grow up every day, getting bigger, learning new things, and needing me less and less. It's just part of growing up and I love watching him do it. He's at such a fun stage and I feel like I'm loving every minute of it. But...I miss the newborn stage. I miss how they curl up under your chin and sleep on your chest. I miss the tinsy winsy diapers. I miss the first smile and the long nursing sessions.

But I have to be honest with myself, sometimes I think I want another one because I want to give birth again. I really, really want that second chance. I want to be able to make different decisions. I want to feel a sense of accomplishment and to feel fulfilled as a birthing mother. I want to prove to myself that I can do it.

And then I worry about what will happen if it doesn't work out. What if I don't have a successful VBAC and I'm stuck with a c-section from there on out? Then I don't want another baby right now. I don't want to lose that hope that things can be different because right now, at least I have that.

It's an emotionally messy day.

Learning from my mistakes: Why I'm grateful for my cesarean

As a follow-up to my post a few weeks ago about coping after a cesarean, I wanted to spend a little bit of time talking about why I'm grateful for it. I'm not going to get into the miracle of cesareans. I do believe they are a blessing for true emergencies and I'm grateful they exist but that's not why I'm grateful. I'm grateful because my cesarean has made me much more determined to have a natural birth. Before I had Hyrum I thought a natural birth was for super hard-core people and I thought that just wasn't me at the time. But, now that I feel dissatisfied with my birth experience I am much more determined for a different experience. I think if I'd had an epidural and everything went smoothly, I would have just walked away and thought everything was hunky dorey and wouldn't have thought twice about it. However, now I'm filled with so much excitement at the thought of proving to myself that my body can do it.

However, this experience has done more than affect my thoughts towards birthing. It has changed other aspects of my life, especially in regards to health. Here are a few ways that working towards a VBAC has changed my life for the better.

Endurance: I know that in order to feel confident in having a natural birth I will need to have confidence in my physical capabilities and stamina. Maybe it's silly, but this has really pushed me to get into better shape and to not simply give up when I'm starting to get tired. The other day when I was on a particularly tough incline while biking I had the thought, "I should just get off and walk my bike up" but then I thought, "silly girl! You need to learn to push through 'til the end. You can make it!" Know what!? I did!

Nutrition: I feel that healthy eating affects our attitude and confidence in ourselves. Sure I still indulge with some Nutella and pretzels from time to time but for the most part, fruits and vegetables have become the staple in our family's diet.

Weight: In order to avoid any preventable pregnancy complications, I want to be at a healthy weight. I've still got some pregnancy pounds to shed and then some. Working towards a VBAC has given me a reason to want to sacrifice those things that are keeping me from a healthy weight.

Education: I think the main reason most women in the US request an epidural is because that is what they are educated about. I think they can be a blessing but I know that, at least for me, I didn't educate myself enough about what was going on in the birth process as well as possible complications, the advantages and disadvantages of medical interventions and how to make informed decisions regarding them. As a result, I succumbed to a lot of the interventions and ended up having a medical birth. That's not what I want next time and I don't want to be so overwhelmed next time that I allow myself to become passive in the process. I'm taking the time now to educate myself because I want to be able to make informed decisions all along the way.

I think one of the most beautiful things in life is the ability to learn from our mistakes. How grateful I am that I don't have to sit idly by and repeat them again. After preparing myself in any way possible, I know that if I somehow do end up in a repeat cesarean, it will not be because I was not informed or because I didn't work to make things different. And no matter what, this experience has changed my attitude toward so many other important areas of my life.

Coping after a Cesarean

I've been a little hesitant to post about my feelings following the birth of my now 5-month-old son. But again, maybe this will be helpful for someone else.

I think the worst part about having a cesarean is the guilt I felt in the following weeks and months. I was not satisfied with my birth experience (with the obvious exception of having a beautiful baby!). My postpartum experience with my doctor and even a nurse practitioner at the same clinic left me feeling hopeless. I had little to no confidence in my body's ability to bear children. I questioned if I had done what I could to ensure a safe and satisfying delivery for me and for my family. In short, I felt like a failure.

The worst part is that I felt guilty about feeling guilty. "I should just accept it and move on," I thought. "I should be grateful for what I DO have--a healthy baby and a body that is recovering well." "I shouldn't look back and wonder, 'what if...'" But I did! In the weeks following my delivery, I continually questioned my own judgment and mourned what I felt to be the loss of a beautiful experience.

The only way I could console myself was to say, "next time. Next time it will be different. I'll make different choices next time." When my doctor told me to just err on the side of a repeat cesarean, I felt that I had maybe even lost the one consolation I had left. I truly cried for nearly two days straight. My heart hurt in a way it had hurt very few times before in my life.

Thankfully, a few months have passed and the hurt has mostly subsided. I was blessed to have made friends with a wonderful nurse at the same clinic. I explained my desire for a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) with subsequent births. She readily accepted my desire. I also explained my feelings of hopelessness. I thought these feelings were nothing that wouldn't pass with a little bit of time. She had the understanding to see that it was something more. I was suffering from postpartum depression. She helped me to seek some treatment that greatly benefited me, my family, my ability to complete my schooling, and positively affected my entire life. Sometimes I wonder what could/would have happened without her loving intervention. I'm grateful I don't have to know.

But here I stand today, still upset by my experience. In the months before I gave birth to my sweet Hyrum I had two nagging thoughts--thoughts that I attribute to Provincial inspiration. One was, "you need to be prepared to have a birth without pain relief." The other was, "you'll likely end up in a cesarean." I pushed the second thought out of my mind over and over again and attributed the first to me being silly. Sadly, I think if I had heeded the first thought, the second would not have become a fulfilled prophesy.

Now, before I scare every woman out there from having an epidural, the epidural is not what caused me to need a cesarean. But, my baby was posterior and that is likely what was causing the monitors to register fetal distress. If I had not been medicated, I could have walked or squatted during labor and thereby, may have avoided a cesarean.

Coulda, woulda, shoulda...obviously not much I can do about it now. But, one thing I can do is come to terms with my disappointment. Most of the time I just shove it out of my mind and think, "too late to do anything now." In reality, it is too late to do anything about my prior birth experience. However, I have learned a lot about myself and a lot about emotional healing. Most importantly, I've learned that it truly is okay for me to feel remorse about my experience. It doesn't lessen my love for my baby and it doesn't lessen my personal worth. It does make me look forward to the possibility of a different experience in the future.

Another baby isn't in the plans for a little while but in the meantime, I plan on educating myself as much as possible on how to increase the likelihood of a successful VBAC. Part of that includes being willing and ready to have a birth without unnecessary medical interventions. This entails emotional and physical strength and readiness.

If you have had a cesarean or are otherwise feeling regrets about your birth experience, realize that it is perfectly alright. No one would tell you to "move on" after the ending of a serious relationship or the loss of a loved one. Likewise, know that it is healthy and normal to grieve an experience (whether it be birth or otherwise) that didn't go as planned. There is hope and there are options. If you're interested in VBACs, please check out the website for the International Cesarean Awareness Network.