Mommy Wars 101

To begin, I just want to clear the air. I have definitely been involved in mommy wars in my time as a mother, and do you want to know what? They're awful. I've hurt so many feelings--feelings of some of the women I hold most dear in my life. I've caused doubt and discouragement where I should have given help and encouragement. I've been a bit of a jerk. Plain and simple. There have been too many times when I've left one of these mommy scuffles with frustration and feelings of sinful pride that are followed by months of feeling like one of the worst human beings on the planet.  So first, an apology. I am truly, truly sorry for any hurt feelings I have caused. I worry that I have destroyed friendships that I hold so dear, only to make my point. What an idiot I have been.

A little bit of personal history (for those of you who haven't watched the vigor of my blog posts diminish over the last few months): I found myself in a number of online mommy wars in my first few months of motherhood--debates about crying it out, breastfeeding vs. formula feeding, co-sleeping vs. solitary sleeping, strollers vs. slings, and the like. At the end of the day, my personal preferences haven't changed much. I still think breast is best, that safe co-sleeping should be considered a viable option for most families, and that a sling beats a stroller any day. But here's where I have changed--I don't think my way is the only true way. I sure as heck think it's a good way. It's the way I've been inspired to raise my children (or at least the one I have thus far). But the "true" way? Nope. Don't think so. At least not anymore.

I was talking with another mom a while ago about this subject. She mentioned that she found it ridiculous how there can be wars, famine, homelessness, and other really BIG problems going on in society; but rather than focusing on these big problems, moms get themselves worked up over parenting issues. It does seem kind of silly now, doesn't it? 

In the last few months, I've really been wondering about the "whys" of Mommy Wars--why do they happen? Why do we become so attached to our way of doing things? Even more, why do we feel a need to share push our way on others?

I've thought of a few truly legitimate reasons for this kind of behavior. I'm not at all trying to justify the behavior, only to say that I think that if we can understand the reasons behind the wars themselves, maybe we'll be in a better position to turn away from them:

• The "Only True Way" Syndrome: As human beings, we are constantly seeking for "capital T" Truth. The universal, all-encompassing truth that will show us the way to all things--how to live our lives, where we are going, and what we should be doing. As a member of a religion that claims the title of the only completely true and living church upon the earth, I kind of understand where this mentality comes from within Mormon Mommy circles. We feel a truly genuine desire to share our way--the True way--with others. After many, many attempts to find the "true" way of parenting in the scriptures, I came up a bit empty handed. Truth be told, there isn't a set-in-stone recipe for parenting, even (and perhaps, especially) in the scriptures. If there truly was a "true and only way" to raise children, I think God would have been really clear about it. Turns out there are two basic principles to spiritual parenting: Love and Righteousness. From there, you've got a whole lot of different and valid interpretations.
• The "I See My Child" Syndrome: There is this crazy thing that happened when I became a mother and maybe others of you have experienced it. Anytime you hear/see/learn of a sad, horrific, terrifying, or otherwise upsetting thing happening to a child, you imagine it happening to your own child. If there's something that you don't agree with and someone does it with their children, it almost feels as if they're doing it to your own. And it hurts. Truly. So the Mother Bear emerges. But what needs to be remembered is that it's NOT your child and that really, save any true form of abuse, their children are probably going to be just fine and so are yours. It's just hard to remember when your heartstrings are being tugged.
• The "I Feel Insecure" Syndrome: Isn't our good ol' friend insecurity the cause of most contention? When we feel secure in our decisions and in ourselves, we are almost untouchable. That's not to say that we can take a beating, but little mommy bickerings aren't going to sway our decision or make us feel that we are doing a poor job. But when a mom feels insecure with her decision and/or feels that she is being judged or ridiculed, things get tense.
• The "I Really Want to Help Syndrome": This is most likely in conjunction with the "Only True Way Syndrome." When a mom feels strongly and/or when something has worked very well for her, she may want to help others. At it's best, this results in encouragement and conversation. At it's worst, this turns into bossing around and judging. 
• The "My Circumstances are Your Circumstances" Syndrome: The big debate point for me in my early days of Mommy Wars was CIO sleep training. I couldn't understand how other families could possibly do such a thing. And then I stepped back and realized that I was: 1) a stay at home mom who could take naps/sleep in after a bad night, 2) a co-sleeper, which means I got more sleep than moms with baby in another room, 3) someone who operates fairly well on little sleep, 4) I only had one child, and 5) I had some personal emotional reasons for not feeling comfortable with leaving someone alone when they wanted/needed comfort. So, for me and my circumstances, not crying it out was an (and really, THE) option. After I stepped back and realized that not all moms were in the same situation as me (duh!), I was able to be a lot more understanding of the experience of other mothers. Too frequently in parenting, politics, and in general life, we think in our own circumstances and what we did/would do. But that's not always the same set of circumstances that another person experiences. In fact, it's rarely so. But it's still hard to do--to think outside of our box--and Mommy Wars are just one of the unfortunate results.

Those are just a few of the reasons I could think of, though I'm sure there are many others (please feel free to share!). More than anything, I hope the mommy wars can stop. I hope that we can learn to honor and understand one another. I hope we can spend our time uplifting our fellow moms rather than saying or doing things that tear each other down. Let's face it, being a mom is tough work. The last thing a mom needs is something superfluous to worry about.

Teaching independence

I've made good friends with a couple of women here in Calgary. One of them is my upstairs neighbor who also has a baby boy who's about 2 months older than Hyrum. We got chatting yesterday about independence while we were on our walk. She also has her son in her room. She recently moved him from their bed to a mattress on the floor and has been having a lot of success with that. But a few friends were really pushing her to not give up on the crib. She decided it wasn't worth it for her. But then there's all that talk about independence. So, we got to thinking, how do you teach it and how do you gain it?

Lots of people talk about instilling independence in your children--leaving them to play by themselves or having a separate sleeping space. But, here are my personal thoughts on independence---it can't be pushed. I personally don't think it's independence if there wasn't any choice involved in it. It's just the way life is. So, how do you encourage without forcing?

I thought of ways that my parents taught me independence. Since my memory doesn't serve me very well in infanthood, I think mostly about my teenage years. Partially from tight finances and partially from wanting to teach me responsibility, my parents told me that if I wanted things--new school clothes, a driver's license, insurance, etc.--then I needed to have a job. Thus began a great career at Little Caesar's Pizza (har har). My parents also had me pay for my own college education. There were a few times when they would spot me $20 here or there, but for the most part, I payed for it (or at least mortgaged my future...)

But since I don't have a teenager, I have an infant, I wonder what sorts of ways I can help encourage independence and responsibility at a young age. One of the ways we've come up with is letting him feed himself. If he doesn't want to eat, he doesn't have to. If he wants to, we provide the food but he does the feeding. My plan for separate sleeping spaces is that when he wants it, we'll provide the means and some gentle encouragement to stay in his own bed.

What are some ways you've found to encourage independence in your youngsters?

It's okay to change

Brennan and I were talking about a certain "surgery" we had performed on our little boy when he was first born. In some ways we regretted what we chose but unfortunately, there really isn't any going back. We talked about future sons and whether or not we would choose to do it again. We tossed around different thoughts like, "well, how would we explain to him or his brothers why they look different?" And, "how do we explain to the eldest that we regretted our decision with him, and that's why we made different decisions with later sons? Will he feel like he was the "experimental" child? The one we made our mistakes on and then thought them through later?"

I don't want Hyrum to feel like we didn't think through our actions with him but we did with his siblings. I don't want him to feel different from his brothers. I don't really want it to be an issue. So, at first we thought, "well, we should choose the same thing with future sons to spare the conversation." But, that didn't really feel right either. Why in the world would we do something again, that we said we wouldn't choose if we were given the opportunity again?

In the end we decided that wasn't a good enough of a reason. We can learn from our choices and make different ones in the future. I mean, isn't that what the atonement is all about? I've thought about this with other children too. I wasn't as cuddly with Hyrum when he was a newborn as I am with him now. I didn't babywear and I didn't co-sleep. I also didn't do my homework on natural birthing to help to ensure a more satisfying birth experience. But I plan to do that with my future children. I don't think it means that I love Hyrum any less or that I didn't care as much about him. Fact is, I just didn't know how important some of these things were to me until they were right there in front of me, or more correctly, right there in my arms.

It's okay to change, it's okay to make different decisions. It doesn't diminish what we already have.

We're in this together

I've always been amazed at how people of the same career, the same family, or the same community can be so incredibly different from one another. Perhaps the most shocking to me is the differences between people of the same faith. On the parenting book front, Ezzo and Sears are both Christian evangelical authors and yet you probably couldn't find two parenting philosophies farther from one another.

Just as an unrelated tidbit, did you know that there are more genetic differences between people of the same race than there are distinguishing characteristics between differentraces? And yet we posit black and white as dyads when really, when the genetic codes are all lined up, a little white girl in Missouri may share a stronger genetic resemblance to a little girl in Indonesia than she does to her white next-door neighbor. Maybe biology is telling us something--we're all much more the same--and much more different--than we think.

Before I get into a lecture about the performativity of race or gender, I return to this issue of parenting philosophies. It's no secret that I adamantly oppose the Babywise program. Sometimes even I wonder why in the world it bothers me so much that I keep writing about it, but there's just something about it that feels wrong to me. And yet it intrigues me. I wonder why anyone, especially a loving parent, would choose to follow its advice. And yet it has a loyal following, even amongst some of my closest friends. One of the most notable Babywisers, Valerie Plowman, shares the same faith as me. How is that? How is it that two women of the same religion, (I presume she also has deep and abiding faith) could have such different philosophies? How is it that in chatting with other young moms in my ward some plan to breastfeed to three and co-sleep until their kids move out of the family bed on their own, and others cry-it-out and think the family bed is the worst thing you could ever do for your child? How is it that Ezzo claims his program is "God's way of raising children" while Sears pushes just as strongly that a Christian parent is an attached parent?

I don't know if there is a straight answer to that question. If you've got one, I'd love to know. But this much I do know, after further thought, both people are right--at least for them and their family. If I were to schedule feed and cry-it-out as a newborn I really would be a bad mom because it's not me. I believe so strongly in touch, family togetherness, choices, comfort, and teaching by example. To me that translates as babywearing, bedsharing, baby-led feeding, cuddles during crying, and showing rather than yelling or spanking. I also spent far too much time questioning claims and cross-referencing resources in graduate school papers to feel comfortable following parenting advice that doesn't have any independently cited scientific or psychological benefits. Simply claiming, "this is God's way" doesn't really cut it for me. But I know for others things are different. I can respect that for someone else, the same things that work for me and my family would also make them a "bad mom." Of course I think I'm right (I mean, don't we all?) but I can respect it.

But, this is something I legitimately struggle with. I don't really understand it. Maybe some of you have some insight? In the meantime, as one fellow mom pats me on the back and tells me I'm doing a great job and another gives me the stink-eye, I just have to remind myself that we really are all in this together. We truly do want what's right and until someone can show me in the scriptures, "Ferber is right" or "Babywearing is wrong," I guess I'll just go about doing the best I can.

Let a baby be a baby

We decided to go with baby-led weaning to introduce our baby to solids (post soon to come). It has been so much fun and my husband and I are both very much enjoying this transition into the world of food for our little guy.

I know that most people who do baby-led weaning are of a more "attachment" mindset but I was curious about other parents and their experiences with baby-led weaning. So, I hopped on to Chronicles of a Babywise Mom to see if she had posted anything about it. Sure enough, there were even some Babywise parents who had taken on baby-led weaning. That really excited me!

As I started reading some of the parents' experiences I was a little upset by one parent's comment,

"We chose to introduce meals slowly rather than straight into 3 meals a day, but we still had the meals structured into our routine and definitely still followed BW [babywise] expectations like no throwing food, smearing it around, lifting up the plate, etc."

Maybe this is silly, but I was almost shocked at the thought of expecting my 6-month old baby to not throw food or smear it around. In fact, that's one of the key points to baby-led weaning--to let your baby explore food, learn about it, how it feels, how it moves, etc. This is how they learn about the world. A baby throwing food (or anything) isn't being defiant, that's just how they learn about gravity, distance, their own strength, etc. I haven't read Babywise II about introducing solid foods and table manners because, well, I kind of think it would just boil my blood and be a waste of my time, though I've been a bit curious.

Call me a pushover, a softie, or whatever you will but I believe strongly that we just need to let kids be kids. They will spend so much of their lives being adults, why turn them into one at such a tender age? I'm not suggesting that people just let their children run wild and that there be no family rules--quite the contrary. I just feel that expectations should be age-appropriate and more importantly, individual child-appropriate. To me, expecting a baby to sit quietly, strapped to a high chair, with their hands on the side of the tray waiting patiently for their food to be put into their mouth is just asinine. I'm pretty sure that parent feeding their child would not be terribly patient if the roles were reversed.

As far as teaching our children, I believe the best teaching is done by example, not by force. Well-behaved parents will likely produce well-behaved children because that is what they see. Loving, warm parents will likely produce loving, warm children. Parents who yell and spank will likely produce children who will also yell and spank.

In working to raise my children in a Christ-centered home I think of what kind of a parent my Heavenly Father is to me. I know everyone's understanding and relationship with God is different but the God I know is one of love and understanding. He does not leave me to suffer without comfort. He holds me accountable for what I know and for what I am capable of doing. He is loving, gentle, and kind. That is the kind of parent I want to be and the kind of expectations I want to have for my children.

...

I've gotten onto a soapbox here. Basically all I'm trying to say is for goodness sake, let's learn to let the little things go, let the kid be a kid, and who cares if they smear their food!

Learning from my mistakes: Why I'm grateful for my cesarean

As a follow-up to my post a few weeks ago about coping after a cesarean, I wanted to spend a little bit of time talking about why I'm grateful for it. I'm not going to get into the miracle of cesareans. I do believe they are a blessing for true emergencies and I'm grateful they exist but that's not why I'm grateful. I'm grateful because my cesarean has made me much more determined to have a natural birth. Before I had Hyrum I thought a natural birth was for super hard-core people and I thought that just wasn't me at the time. But, now that I feel dissatisfied with my birth experience I am much more determined for a different experience. I think if I'd had an epidural and everything went smoothly, I would have just walked away and thought everything was hunky dorey and wouldn't have thought twice about it. However, now I'm filled with so much excitement at the thought of proving to myself that my body can do it.

However, this experience has done more than affect my thoughts towards birthing. It has changed other aspects of my life, especially in regards to health. Here are a few ways that working towards a VBAC has changed my life for the better.

Endurance: I know that in order to feel confident in having a natural birth I will need to have confidence in my physical capabilities and stamina. Maybe it's silly, but this has really pushed me to get into better shape and to not simply give up when I'm starting to get tired. The other day when I was on a particularly tough incline while biking I had the thought, "I should just get off and walk my bike up" but then I thought, "silly girl! You need to learn to push through 'til the end. You can make it!" Know what!? I did!

Nutrition: I feel that healthy eating affects our attitude and confidence in ourselves. Sure I still indulge with some Nutella and pretzels from time to time but for the most part, fruits and vegetables have become the staple in our family's diet.

Weight: In order to avoid any preventable pregnancy complications, I want to be at a healthy weight. I've still got some pregnancy pounds to shed and then some. Working towards a VBAC has given me a reason to want to sacrifice those things that are keeping me from a healthy weight.

Education: I think the main reason most women in the US request an epidural is because that is what they are educated about. I think they can be a blessing but I know that, at least for me, I didn't educate myself enough about what was going on in the birth process as well as possible complications, the advantages and disadvantages of medical interventions and how to make informed decisions regarding them. As a result, I succumbed to a lot of the interventions and ended up having a medical birth. That's not what I want next time and I don't want to be so overwhelmed next time that I allow myself to become passive in the process. I'm taking the time now to educate myself because I want to be able to make informed decisions all along the way.

I think one of the most beautiful things in life is the ability to learn from our mistakes. How grateful I am that I don't have to sit idly by and repeat them again. After preparing myself in any way possible, I know that if I somehow do end up in a repeat cesarean, it will not be because I was not informed or because I didn't work to make things different. And no matter what, this experience has changed my attitude toward so many other important areas of my life.

Priorities

Last night I went out to a "girl's night" to one of those over-priced jewelry parties with my neighbor. Since it was a rather extended drive to the party, we carpooled with a lady from her church. All three of us were fairly new moms--Me with a 5-month-old, neighbor with a 7-month-old, and her friend had an 8-month-old. For each of us, it was one of the first times we had been out without our babies in quite a long time. Of course, true to any car filled with mothers, we talked about nothing but our babies the whole time.

As we were driving, the friend mentioned she had moved over to formula because here supply dried up when her daughter was about 3-months-old. I thought, "how unfortunate! I absolutely adore nursing my little guy." But, she didn't seem to mind. It seemed as if she liked formula feeding more. Now, mind that I don't know this woman at all so there could certainly be a deeper story of which I'm just unaware.

As we got talking, she mentioned that she used the Babywise program. For any of you who know me, you know I'm not the biggest fan but to each her own. However, I did begin to wonder if this didn't affect her ability to produce milk. This isn't the case with all Babywise moms, but in my research, early weaning is quite common. As this mom had experienced, their milk supply slowly declines because they did not allow needed cluster feeds, and eventually, they are no longer able to breastfeed.

But, this is not a post about Babywise. This post is about priorities. As we continued driving, I discovered that this woman was quite interested in nutrition. She told us her theories about not introducing sugar to her children. Though she doesn't have any dogs, she told my neighbor (who has two dogs) about he research into raw versus commercial dog food and how it's so much better for the dogs.

Now, I don't know this woman's life and I'm not in a position to question her decisions, but from her casual attitude regarding breastfeeding, I wondered if she had done any research into the benefits of breast milk over formula, how to boost her supply, or simply, considered why it had declined in the first place. Obviously she cared a lot about nutritional choices so, why didn't the switch to formula seem to bother her at all?

As I arrived home, I discovered that Hyrum had been screaming for hours and had only gone down a few minutes before I arrived home. Honestly, it didn't really surprise me. He had taken awful naps all day. Being overtired in conjunction with the absence of mommy in his nighttime routine must have really thrown him off. At first I felt guilty for leaving but realized that I really do need time out as well. However, I could have done more during the day. During the day, I kept having this nagging feeling that I really should be sure he got a good nap, even if it meant that I had to sacrifice some cleaning time to lie down with him. But, I really wanted to get a few specific things done and in consequence, sacrificed my son's naps. I knew better. I knew that getting my son overtired in conjunction with a change was going to cause problems. Poor Brennan was the one who had to pay for my inconsideration that evening.

At the end of all of this, I was left considering priorities. How frequently do we make a decision in the moment that is convenient, even when we know deep down that it will have more lasting negative consequences? I try not to, but I know I certainly sacrifice the most important for lesser important things sometimes. Hopefully I'll think more carefully about my decisions in the future.

A glimpse into the future

I was holding my sweet baby tonight as he drifted off to sleep and I began thinking about how fast these moments flee. As I held him tight I thought, "isn't it crazy that all of us started out as babies? And all babies grow up to be children, adults, grandparents, etc.? As these thoughts filled my mind I was filled with a sense of awesome and wonderful responsibility. I'm not simply raising a baby--I'm raising a neighbor, a husband, a father, a Young Men's leader, a mentor, a friend. Suddenly, the parenting choices I make seem so much more worthwhile and the little setbacks seems so silly.

So then I started thinking, "what do I want for my little baby more than anything else?" I think of various personal virtues, values, talents and abilities. Tonight my thoughts turned to empathy and love. As I think back over the people in my life who have made the most lasting impression, I think of people who gave me their time and their consideration, people who perhaps sacrificed their personal desires and agendas for a moment just to listen to me or to help me in a moment of need. The people who have made the greatest impression on me are not those who were the most intelligent or who were the most talented, they were those who sacrificed themselves. That is the type of person I want to raise and therefore the type of person I need to be.

Sometimes I think, "come on kid! Do you really need to be held right now? I need to do the dishes" or "I'd really like to read this book" or, "Please go/stay asleep! I'm tired!!!" While these are definitely good and worthwhile thoughts, the dishes will stay, the book will be there next week, and I can take a nap with him in the morning. But what I need, and want, to teach him now and forever is that it's worth sacrificing one's time to help someone in need. Since I believe the best teacher is example, suddenly those dishes can wait a little longer when my little one needs to be held or needs a cuddle. Perhaps someday he too will put aside something to hold a friend who needs to cry or to cuddle with his dear wife who needs a little bit of attention. That is the man that I hope I'm raising.

Patience

Every nap time and every night as I try to put Hyrum to bed, I think about how much easier and time effective it would be for me to just let him "cry-it-out." My pediatrician, friends, books, etc. keep reminding me how it would only take 3-5 days. I'm pretty sure the method I'm using is going to take a month or two. That's a big time difference. That's a month or two of it taking 10-20 minutes to get Hyrum down without resorting to full-on crying, a month or two of waking up repeatedly in the middle of the night, a month or two of not knowing when I'll just be able to put him in the crib and have him fall asleep completely on his own.

But I think it's worth it. Though it's a month or two, I don't have to do 3-5 days of listening to my baby cry and wondering when it will end. That much crying might feel like longer than a month or two in the moment so really, maybe I am making the more time conscious choice? Who knows...

For now I just keep reminding myself how much this is teaching ME. There are so many things we want right here, right now. And frankly, most things in this life that are important are worth waiting for. In this case, getting my baby to sleep for longer stretches at night and being able to fall asleep on his own are my goals. It means I can't just resort to my easy methods of just nursing him to sleep when he's grumpy. It works in the moment (oh, how it works!!!) but in the long run, it's not helping him.

So, here we go...patience Amy, patience.