Spoiled is what happens to milk

It always makes me sad to hear someone say that I'm spoiling my child by holding him too much, by rocking him at night, by letting him sleep beside me, or by staying home with him. It makes me sad because spoiled is such a rotten word. It means that you have failed, it means that the product is of no use, that it's bad, that it's a waste.  Like that spoiled milk in the refrigerator--it's disgusting and unappealing.

But I don't believe it.  You see, spoiled is what happens to something that has been left alone too long. Something that did not serve its purpose. Something that has been forgotten. Something you didn't care about enough to focus your attention on it.  Something that will never be what it could have become.

And the same is with "spoiled" children.  When we began our journey as parents, I wondered if our high-touch style of parenting would spoil him. And then I thought, "what do I think of when I think of a spoiled child?"  I think of children who have everything they want-- every toy they asked for, never have to help around the home, and can do whatever they please without considering the consequences of those choices.  But I don't think those things are love.  I've never known a child to be spoiled with hugs, kisses, closeness, contact, holding, or cuddles.  In fact, when it comes to what we think of as "spoiling," it's in large part things.  Things that have been used in place of love, time, and attention.

And so, if love be spoils, then I give them. But surely my child will not be forgotten. He will not be tossed aside.  He will not be made useless.  I'm on a personal mission as part of my "have a plan," to spend more time loving, comforting, cuddling, holding, kissing, and being with my child. Maybe, one step at a time, I can help him see that things are not the answer--love and people are.

Quote of the day: A Mother's Love

In her book Rights of Infants, author Margaret Ribble in 1943 described infant marasmus (an infant wasting disease) and the seemingly peculiar difference in outcome between better-class Edwardian infants and those born in poverty-stricken slums. Per her account, half of the babies in Britain at the time suffered from the disease.

"...babies in the best homes and hospitals, given the most careful attention, often drifted into this condition of slow dying, while infants in the poorest homes, with a good mother, often overcame the handicaps of poverty and unhygienic surroundings and became bouncing babies. It was found that the element lacking in the sterilized lives of the former class...was mother love."

(Rights of Infants)

Softening up the Tough Love of CIO

Before we found a sleeping situation and routine that worked well for our family, I was pretty sure we would have to resort to cry-it-out. I knew I didn't like the thought of it and I knew that, at least for me, it didn't feel right. But a mama's got get sleep at some point and I know that for some mothers, you're desperate and sleep deprived enough that for safety's sake, you've got to resort to something. No one likes the thought of leaving their baby to cry but I know some people resort to it as a last-ditch effort.

As I started doing some research on CIO methods, I discovered that they're not all created equally. The most common methods are Ferber check and console and the Weissbluth extinction cry. I'm not sure which one I personally find better. Check and console seems gentler to me because you're reassuring your baby but, at the same time, most baby's really aren't reassured by words. Also, until they're 8-9 months old, babies don't have object permanence. So, once you leave the room, they don't really know you're still out there. Extinction cry, from what I gather, has faster results so at least it won't last as long. Either way you choose to go, there are some things that a parent can do to gentle-up the tough love. Here are a few suggestions I've found for those who find themselves resorting to CIO:

* Sears method: Stay in the room and in physical contact with baby. Place baby in her crib with a hand on baby's tummy or back and let her cry-it-out. This method ensures that baby is not relying on sleep props such as sucking or rocking, but you're also not leaving her to cry it out alone.

* Have a loving nighttime routine: This one might help everyone, whether you choose to CIO or not. Have a loving, relaxing routine that you do before going to sleep to signal sleep and to calm baby down for a good night's rest. A warm bath, massage, read a book, sing a song, etc. It might be best to establish this routine for a few weeks before choosing to begin CIO.

* Teach baby to be a self-soother: If you're okay with thumb sucking, put baby's thumb in his mouth as he drifts off to sleep or help him learn to twirl his hair, etc. With time, he might choose those soothers instead of a parent.

* Wait until 4 months old: This is where I really get fired up about CIO and most of my disdain for CIO comes. Many people who have heard of CIO but haven't done their research start CIO earlier than 3-4 months. A baby less than 12 weeks old is incapable of self-soothing (Weissbluth). When they wake up crying, it's truly because with mom gone, they wake up thinking they've lost their arm or something (Mom is like an appendage to them). In those early weeks a baby does not recognize the difference between others and themselves. They are, so to speak, "enmeshed." Respect your baby's need for touch and feedings during the early weeks and you'll build a trust that is less likely to be diminished by CIO.

* Leave a piece of you behind: Babies have an unusually good sense of smell and your scent is comforting to them. Sleep on their crib sheets for a couple nights, leave a breast pad, or once your baby is 4 months old, you can introduce a small, safe lovey that you can wear in your shirt throughout the day.

* Use your baby as the barometer: By around 3-4 months, your baby has settled into his temperament and it's easier to read your baby for signs that what you are doing is helpful or harmful. If your baby is still himself during the daytime then all may be well. If he's clingy, whiny, withdrawn, or otherwise acting differently, reconsider your approach.

* Increase your daytime cuddles: This is especially important before going to sleep at night and when arising in the morning. Communicate to baby to that you're still here for him and that you still value touch and cuddling.

* Do your homework: If you've chose to do check and console, read Ferber's Solve your Child's Sleep Problems. If you're on board with Weissbluth's extinction cry, do the same with Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. If the sleep training method you've chosen does not cite independent studies or outside resources, beware. If an author cites another author, you might want to check out that author (i.e. in the book On Becoming Babywise, the authors cite Weissbluth as their resource for the importance of good sleep and the AAP's statement about crying. However, both have been taken out of context). Remember that just because it's in print doesn't make it legitimate.

* Keep listening to your baby's cries: While it may be easier to get the job done if mom does something other than listening to her baby cry, remember that your baby's cries mean something and that no one knows them better you. Though most of your baby's cries may be "protest" cries, you want to be sure to be aware of any cries that slip into cries of desperation or discomfort. Remember that you're teaching baby that they need to sleep without your help, not that they can't count on you to change a diaper or to be there when you truly need them.

* Make sure Mom (or whoever is the primary caregiver) is supportive of the idea: I hear too many moms talk about how they felt awful but Dad thought it was the right thing to do. Remember that whoever is home the most with baby is the one who knows baby the best. This isn't to say that it shouldn't be a well-thought decision between partners, but if mom has a bad feeling about it, that should be respected.

* Check with your pediatrician first: Overall health and safety should be a higher consideration than 8-12 straight hours of sleep. Some babies have conditions that require night feedings and/or limited crying. Your pediatrician will likely give the go-ahead if your baby is healthy and thriving. However, if she's abnormally small (which is judged by more than percentages) or not thriving, night feedings should, of course, be continued.

* Formula vs. bottle: Remember that formula-fed babies do actually sleep more total hours (daytime and nighttime together) than breastfed babies. This does not mean that your breastfed baby is not sleeping enough but that formula-fed babies actually sleep more than the average (Huggins, The Nursing Mother's Companion).

* Naps and Nighttime: Since your objective is to help your baby learn to sleep without props, try to be as consistent as possible in putting your baby to sleep. If the car is the place for naps then of course, she will assume that she's going to get a nice ride to sleep at nighttime too.

* Establish the "sleep place": If your goal is to have baby sleep in his own bed, establish this before beginning CIO. Moving bed locations and removing sleep props at the same time might be a little overwhelming.

* Make sure baby is comfortable: clean diaper, full feeding, not teething, not in the middle of a move, etc.

* Keep perspective: Whether you choose to cry-it-out or not, remember that those few days of CIO (or months of night wakings) are really so very short in your life as a mother. Your baby will not wake up every night forever. How many 14 year olds do you know of who can't sleep? Soon you'll be wondering how in the world you're going to get them up in the morning.

I know this list isn't exhaustive. For you parents out there who have either researched or resorted to CIO, do you have any suggestions to help lighten the blow?

Bed sharing and emotional security

Remember taking naps with your fiancé on the couch in the middle of the day and how wonderful and sweet it felt? I wonder what it is about sleeping next to someone that makes you feel so close to them. Maybe it's the vulnerability? Or the close physical contact? I'm not 100% sure but whatever it is, it feels wonderful. I've wondered if this isn't the reason the bed has become the symbol of sexuality. The vulnerability brought about by the place where people sleep coincides with the vulnerability inherent in sexual intimacy. Certainly sex doesn't have to occur in a bed (as many a co-sleeping family will testify).

Last night I was thinking about how much I love Hyrum sleeping in our bed. I know it isn't for everyone but I absolutely adore it. Those who oppose co-sleeping often argue that the baby needs to learn to sleep alone. As I was sitting in bed last in the final moments before drifting off to sleep I thought of my early days of marriage when I, too, couldn't fall asleep without my bedfellow. I won't make this a huge post about the progression of my marriage but Brennan and I just have different ways of handling stress. Mine is to talk about it and cuddle up at night and forget about it for now. Brennan likes to think things through, spend some time by himself, and at night that will translate to him going out to the couch to think, read, or whatever. Well, you can see how this would present a little bit of a conflict if the stress happens at bedtime or in the middle of the night. Brennan would simply want some alone time but I wanted cuddles! And guess what!? Immature as this sounds, I would seriously get worried if I woke up in the middle of the night and he was gone.

Quick story: Once upon a time Brennan planned this cute, romantic getaway for us after final's week. Because it was a surprise, he needed to pack the car and run to the store without my knowing. So, he decided to do it at 2am thinking I would sleep through the whole thing and he wouldn't have to explain himself. Well, I woke up and Brennan wasn't there! I tried calling his cellphone but no answer. I ran outside in the December cold and no car. In my 2:30am delirium, I called my mom. I was convinced Brennan had either 1) left me or 2) had been kidnapped (our minds in the middle of the night...sheesh!) Mom calmed me down and advised that I try to go back to sleep. Thankfully Brennan walked through the door as I was getting off the phone with her, took me in his arms and explained that he just couldn't sleep and decided to go out for a few minutes. I was so stinkin' mad at him for making me worry but boy did my anger dissipate the next day when we arrived at our cute little retreat.

Over the next year or so, I still had a hard time sleeping without Brennan in bed with me. If I found him asleep on the couch after watching a movie I would wake him up, nearly in tears, and ask him why he was on the couch. He would kindly come back to bed with me because he could see that it was something I needed right then.

Now we've been married for a few years and though I still prefer to have Brennan in bed with me, it's not a big deal if one or the other of us stays up later than the other or if he decides at 2am to make himself a glass of herbal tea because he can't sleep. There was no "coming of age" day when he simply said, "you've gotta learn to do this on your own!" It was just a natural process of time and security in our relationship.

I think the same goes for our littlest people. All of the worry about them never moving out of our beds is silly. I know Hyrum will move out when he's ready, when his security in himself and in Mommy and Daddy is strong enough that he knows we'll always be there for him when he needs us. We've just chosen not to rush that move. In the meantime, we love the snuggles and we love the closeness it affords.

10 reasons I love babywearing

From my previous posts, it should come as no surprise that I love babywearing. But considering how few people babywear and how many strollers and tired arms I see in my daily comings-and-goings, I thought I'd share a few things that I absolutely love about it.

1) Weight loss: I don't know about other mamas, but I've had a beast of a time trying to shed the pregnancy pounds (and more!) but after beginning consistent babywearing, I've noticed that the pounds are dropping much easier. Makes sense--carrying around an extra 15-20 pounds is burning more calories and helping me to shed those pounds! I'm also less likely to grab that cookie when I know my little tyke is watching me do it.

2) muscle strengthening: Wearing your baby in an ergonomically correct way shouldn't hurt but it definitely gets those core muscles toned. Through consistent babywearing I've noticed considerably more strength in my lower back and abs--and I didn't even have to do any crunches.

3) physical contact with baby: Beyond being pleasant, frequent physical contact with your baby is very healthy for both mom and baby. When babies, especially premature babies, are born, their heart rhythms are not regulated. When they are worn tummy-to-tummy with a parent their heart rhythms align and are brought into regularity. Babywearing, especially skin-to-skin, is also linked with greater ease in breastfeeding and better weight gain for baby. For both parent and baby, communication through body and "social" cues are recognized more frequently and responded to more quickly through babywearing. Babywearing parents and babies are better attuned to one another.

4) quieting crying: this is very much linked to the above point. Because babywearing babies are in close proximity to the mother and because their cues are more easily read, they cry less frequently. Also, the rhythmic movement brought about through walking and the natural rocking of the body help to create a comforting, womb-like environment for baby.

5) comfort vs. stroller: Though some people complain that babywearing is uncomfortable, this is usually caused by a poor quality baby carrier and/or incorrect positioning. When a baby is worn correctly it is remarkably comfortable. For me in particular, I have a bit of tendonitis and carpal tunnel and pushing a stroller really aggravates it because of the closed hand positioning. Wearing my baby when we go for walks is considerably more comfortable than taking the stroller.

6) ease vs. stroller: Using a babycarrier or sling is SOOOOO much easier than pulling that darn stroller out. For one, we live in a basement which means I have to lug it up the stairs and set it up every time I want to use it. Also, since we're without a car right now, we use public transportation frequently. Every time I see someone struggling to maneuver a stroller on and off the bus I wish I could just hand them a carrier and preach the gospel of babywearing-ease. (I seriously almost did once when I saw three strollers on the bus. Thankfully there were no handicapped or elderly persons trying to get on the bus because even the most limber had a ridiculously hard time trying to get past all three of them).

7) getting things done: babywearing means that I'm able to get just about anything done around the house with baby riding happily along. Before babywearing it seemed like it took hours to try to get everything done as I set the baby down to play, took care of one task, came back and checked on him, ran and did another task quickly, came back and held him because he was crying, waited until the nap to get more done, etc. Not only am I able to get more done but it means that nap time is now "me" time because I don't have to clean during that time and I'm able to have more time to actually get on the floor and play, read a book, rock, sing, etc with my baby. In addition to more time, I also really like how my baby is with me as I take care of our home. I like to think that as he grows he will be more exposed to what it takes to keep a home clean and tidy. So many people complain that their children don't want to help out and I think a lot if it is because they don't feel needed and/or don't know what it entails because Mom always did the chores while they were napping. Bringing baby along exposes him to chores and tasks at a young age which means he'll be more likely to help out as he gets older.

8) verbal, social, and physical development: Babyworn babies are at eye and mouth level with adults and therefore receive much more verbal and social stimulation than a baby who is at knee-level in a stroller. These babies also develop their neck and trunk muscles more quickly because they exercise the same muscles in a sling or carrier that are used in "tummy time." Babyworn babies tend to hold their head up, roll, and sit earlier than non-worn babies.

9) safety in the city: this one is from none other than this paranoid mommy. When we're in the city or at the mall I like the security of knowing that my baby is on me where he is safe rather than in a stroller where he is more vulnerable to people touching him or even taking him (remember, paranoid mommy here!). Ain't no one gonna get my baby when he's strapped securely to his mama!

10) cutest accessory: Is there anything cuter than a baby? Add a cute sling and things get even better. As a new mommy I often find myself feeling a little homey or otherwise less "done-up" than I'd like to be. But, when I wear my baby I feel remarkably beautiful.

Up next: Babywearing positioning pointers and carrier types.

Why I took on "Attachment Parenting"

(I don't know how I'll possibly be able to talk about this in one post. There are so many advantages to attachment parenting that I'll likely make separate posts about many of its principles in the future, but here is a quick run down)

I've had a number of people ask me, "so, what is attachment parenting?" or "Why do you do that?" Attachment parenting was a phrase coined by Dr. William Sears who explains it as a style of parenting that most of us would do if there were no baby books written. I'm not 100% sure about that for everyone, but for me, it's very likely true. In a nutshell, attachment parenting is making choices that help you to know your baby best and therefore be better suited to follow their cues. Some of the common choices of attachment parents are: "on-cue" feeding (breastfeeding whenever possible), co-sleeping, babywearing, child-respectful weaning, and overall just loving your baby. You don't have to do all of those things to be an "attachment parent" (well, minus the loving your baby thing!), but they really help you to know your baby. Of course, individual application advised and necessary. If you're interested in attachment parenting, your best resources is The Baby Book by Dr. William and Martha Sears.

So, why attachment parenting for me? Well, that's a little bit of a journey. My baby Hyrum was brought into this world with an epidural, a bassinet, a stroller, disposable diapers, and I was committed to breastfeeding as long as it worked. I wanted to give birth without an epidural but figured I didn't have it in me. I was pretty sure co-sleeping would wreck a marriage. While I had a Moby Wrap from the beginning and planned on using it extensively, I was turned off by comments I'd read about "sling wearing" parents who were basically destroying their children's lives. And, I was scared about breastfeeding while in school.

Then, little by little, things changed. Breastfeeding felt like the most natural thing in the world. I had intentions of getting my baby "on a schedule" and had even been told by one of my favorite profs that my baby was "manipulating" me to be held more. What a load! At the time though, I was sure she must know more than me. So, I started to worry. I started pulling back from my baby, worrying that he was truly "manipulating" me, and moved him to the crib in the next room.

And then it hit me one day. I was sitting alone with my baby and I had this terrifying thought, "I don't know how to tell when you're hungry or tired anymore! I used to know but now I don't!" I'm not joking--I really did have this thought. One thing I did know for sure, I didn't want to let my baby cry to sleep. I just didn't have the heart for it. One day I was browsing on the internet for baby sleep books and came across one called, "The No-cry Sleep Solution." I thought, now that's my kind of baby book!

I checked it out from the library and in the section about babies under four months of age, she includes some references. Two of which were Attachment Parenting by Katie Allison Garanju and The Baby Book by Dr. William Sears. I checked out The Baby Book from the BYU library and began learning about the principles of attachment parenting. Back up a couple months and the ONLY exposure I had to attachment parenting was from a book called On Becoming Babywise which, in short, isn't a big fan of attachment style parenting. (We should note that while I was reading this book I had two thoughts, "This attachment parenting thing sound awful" and "this attachment parenting thing sound amazing.") I was a little torn. Now what to do...

Well, I did what any sensible person would do. I put it on hold. I was in the middle of trying to finish up my graduate degree and was remarkably insecure as a new mom. I just didn't want to deal with it right then. So I didn't.

About the time that we were moving to Canada, I found myself with a lot more time on my hands. I started reading. Internet sites, child development materials, Dr. Sears's book, and talking with other moms. The main draw for me: Attachment parents were absolutely in love with their children. They had great marriages; healthy, thriving babies; and were remarkably confident in their parenting. Now that's the kind of mom I wanted to be! I was tired of worrying if I was doing things right. I was tired of worrying that my baby wasn't like all of the babies I had read in other books. I was tired of not believing that I knew what was best for my baby.

After some visits with our pediatrician, I was filled with confidence that our cue-fed baby was developing beautifully and was in excellent physical condition (isn't it great that rolly polly is great condition?) so I figured, "why not give this a shot?!"

During the move, I consistently co-slept with Hyrum because I figured it was best with all of the different living spaces to always have one constant--me! When we moved into our apartment in Calgary, we tried to put him in the crib and he just wouldn't take it. Brennan and I had some discussions about what we thought was best and we decided the following things were important to us: couple time, quality sleep, and not crying it out. So we concocted our own way of doing things--musical beds. Hyrum sleeps in his crib for the first part of the night and we bring him to bed with us after the first night feeding. It's been a glorious way for us to have the best of all worlds. Nothing is sweeter to me than seeing my husband cuddle with our baby in the morning when we wake up. Tellin' ya girls,a man is never so attractive as when he is being so wonderful and gentle with a baby.

Next up was babywearing. This one mostly came out of convenience. We have etched concrete floors in the main part of our new apartment. Even by putting a blanket down on them, they're awfully hard. I don't really like putting Hyrum down on them and if I need to do something in the kitchen, I don't like leaving him at the other end of the house by himself. The Moby Wrap became my best friend. Also, since we live in a basement apartment, I absolutely hate dragging that stroller up our narrow stairs. I do from time to time but if I don't have to, then I figure why do it?

On-cue breastfeeding was something we were already doing. I tried scheduling Hyrum when he was a new baby and it just didn't feel right so I stopped. So, not much change there.

As far as weaning goes, we're just not there yet. I thought about introducing solids at 4 months but after doing some research, we decided to wait until at least 6 months. Hyrum does show interest in solids but he basically shows interest in just about anything that could (or couldn't) go in his mouth so I figured that wasn't a good enough of a reason and by feeding on-cue, his body doesn't need solids to stay full.

There are the individual choices but added up, the main reason I "do" attachment parenting is because I feel so much more confident in my parenting. I feel like I know my baby so well and know how to make choices that are good for him and for me. Though I thought this way of parenting would feel too "baby centered" (which is definitely what it sounds like), I actually have such a wonderful relationship with Hyrum now that I feel privileged to spend this kind of time on him. In fact, applying the principles of attachment parenting has really helped with my postpartum depression. I feel much more confident and "whole."

Now here's the big question: Am I spoiling him? I don't think so. For one, across the board, child development specialists agree that you can't spoil a child in the first year of life. Needs and wants are the same thing and that by helping them to meet their needs now, they will be more independent as they grow. Also, I really like a quote from Dr. Sear's book that basically says that spoiling is something we do when we leave food on a shelf to rot. I think the only way I could spoil him is if I replace what he really needs (loving parents, human interactions, touch, etc.) with things. By spending time on him rather than relying on a ton of toys to entertain him, I feel that I'm teaching him what really matters in this world--people, relationships, and his family. And that's why I'm an attachment parent.

The benefits of co-sleeping

First of all, I should mention that before I had my baby I swore I would NEVER co-sleep. It seemed far too dangerous and I (mistakenly) thought that it didn't teach babies to be independent. With that in mind, I completely understand if half of you choose to completely ignore this post. We actually didn't begin consistent co-sleeping until our baby was about 3 months old because I was so scared of rolling over on baby or having him become entangled in the bedding. However, now that I am acquainted with safe co-sleeping practices, I would and do feel comfortable co-sleeping with a baby at any age.

When a couple prepares for the birth of a new baby there is almost always the creation of a nursery complete with a rocking chair, a changing table, pictures of cuddly animals on the wall and most importantly, a crib. However, when the little baby is brought home the new parents notice that the baby doesn't like being alone in a crib or a bassinet--and with good reason! Baby's been sharing the bed with Mommy and Daddy for 9 months and then very suddenly she's expected to be alone. Womb one day, solitary crib the next--talk about a tough transition!

The decision to co-sleep is one that should be made wisely and it truly isn't for everyone. Some parents can't sleep well with baby in bed and some babies do sleep better in their own bed. Some parents aren't willing or are unable to give up things that would make for a safe co-sleeping arrangements. Others simply don't want to do it and that's fine too. But, if you're on the fence, here are some wonderful benefits afforded to co-sleeping families.

Better (and more!) sleep for mom and baby: While studies show that mothers who co-sleep with their babies are awakened more frequently, the wakings are usually briefer and occur in lighter stages of sleep. This allows for mother and baby to both return to sleep quicker. Often times mom is able to respond to baby without even fully awakening. This was especially helpful for me, personally, because when my new baby would wake up and I would tend to him in the next room, I would be wide awake by the time he fell back asleep. I began suffering from bouts of insomnia. Once I began co-sleeping with my baby, I was able to quickly tend to him and return to sleep. In the morning, both of us were much better rested.

More bonding time: This is especially worthwhile for working parents who feel they do not see their children enough during the day. Being a stay-at-home mom, I obviously have lots of time during the day to spend with my baby but a lot of that time is spent doing housework, running errands, or otherwise taking care of the to-do list. Co-sleeping affords us some quality time together when that is our only concern--being together. Also, it allows my husband more time to be near his son. Some absolutely beautiful moments have been spent with my husband putting his arm around me and holding our little baby's hand.

Developmental benefits: Studies have shown that children who co-sleep are more independent and have better self-esteem than those who practice solitary sleep: “routinely sharing the parents’ bed in infancy has been associated with greater self-reliance and social independence at preschool age than a history of solitary sleeping (Keller, M. A., and Goldberg, 2004).”

Makes Dad aware of night wakings: While I don't have any scientific or developmental reasons for mentioning this, having my husband more aware of our baby's night wakings and nighttime needs helps me to feel greater support from him. He has also been more involved with helping to soothe our little baby if he briefly awakens, helping him to easily go back to sleep with a gentle pat or a soothing touch.

Easier breastfeeding: C0-sleeping babies breastfeed more frequently and with greater ease than solitary sleeping babies. More frequent feedings can be especially helpful for newborn babies who are struggling to gain weight or for mothers who are not producing enough milk. This can be especially useful for working mothers who are pumping. Night feedings also ensure that older babies who are otherwise too distracted or too active to take full feedings during the day are getting enough breast milk. Co-sleeping mothers are also more likely to continue breastfeeding longer.

Reduced anxiety: Any mother will tell you that the most ridiculous thoughts concerning your baby will pop into your head in the middle of the night. When my baby was sleeping in a separate room, I would have irrational thoughts of someone stealing him in the middle of the night. I would also worry that maybe he had stopped breathing. I seriously would get up 4 or 5 times in a one-hour period to make sure he was still there and still breathing. I had one friend tell me that she would concoct thoughts of her baby finding a Cheerio in her bed and choking on it in the middle of the night. Whatever the thoughts and no matter how silly we know we are for having them, mommies worry and worry keeps a person awake. Having my baby next to me allows me to check on him easily without waking myself up or filling myself with anxiety.

Greater safety for baby: In conjunction with the last point, co-sleeping babies are actually safer than solitary sleeping babies when safe co-sleeping precautions are taken. Co-sleeping mothers are much more aware of their babies and are easily aroused if something is amiss (i.e. choking, caught under a blanket, etc.) In countries where co-sleeping is the norm, the rate of SIDS is significantly less than it is in the US and in some of these countries there has never been a SIDS death.

Co-sleeping babies and mothers are biologically connected: Studies have shown that when a breastfeeding mother and her baby co-sleep, their circadian rhythms align. This is why co-sleeping mothers report feeling better rested than those who practice solitary sleeping. When baby awakens, mom was in a light sleep as well and therefore awakens easily and falls back asleep easily. Mothers seem to be wired to share sleep with their babies.

Greater satisfaction with baby: Polls have shown that mothers who co-sleep are less likely to believe their child's night wakings are problematic than those who practice solitary sleep. I can add personal testimony to this. While there are certainly nights when my baby's night wakings seem like a hindrance, since we have started co-sleeping, those nights seem far more the exception than they did before.

Again, co-sleeping isn't for every one or every family. Before making the decision to co-sleep, both parents need to be on board. Having Mom and Baby in bed with Dad on the couch certainly isn't conducive to wholesome family relationships. If one or both parents are opposed to the idea of co-sleeping, you can consider some other possibilities including an Arm's reach co-sleeper, a sidecar crib arrangement, having baby in the same room but not in the same bed, or moving baby to his own room all together.

Another thing to consider in the decision to co-sleep is couple time. Many couples worry about how co-sleeping will affect their time for emotional and/or physical intimacy. Obviously, that is an arrangement that is best made between partners. Some people are perfectly fine sharing those moments with baby next to them but most of us are a little squeamish. If having baby in bed with you while being physically intimate is fine by you, then by all means, go for it. Baby certainly doesn't know what's going on and isn't going to remember a thing. If it touches a sensitive nerve for you, then consider playing musical beds. In our family, baby sleeps in his crib for the first part of the night so my husband and I can spend some much needed time together without having to worry about waking baby up. It also ensures that we can leave the room (baby shouldn't be left alone on a parent bed, especially once she can get up and explore!) and come and go as we please. When baby wakes up, he's welcomed into our bed. Strangely, I look forward to that first night waking.

In summary, do what works best for you and your family. For us, co-sleeping has been a wonderful way to increase our closeness as a family and to provide for our nighttime needs.