Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Baby hungry day

I'm having another one of those baby hungry days. Sometimes I want another baby so bad. I watch Hyrum grow up every day, getting bigger, learning new things, and needing me less and less. It's just part of growing up and I love watching him do it. He's at such a fun stage and I feel like I'm loving every minute of it. But...I miss the newborn stage. I miss how they curl up under your chin and sleep on your chest. I miss the tinsy winsy diapers. I miss the first smile and the long nursing sessions.

But I have to be honest with myself, sometimes I think I want another one because I want to give birth again. I really, really want that second chance. I want to be able to make different decisions. I want to feel a sense of accomplishment and to feel fulfilled as a birthing mother. I want to prove to myself that I can do it.

And then I worry about what will happen if it doesn't work out. What if I don't have a successful VBAC and I'm stuck with a c-section from there on out? Then I don't want another baby right now. I don't want to lose that hope that things can be different because right now, at least I have that.

It's an emotionally messy day.


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2 comments:

  1. KatieJuly 27, 2011 at 7:32 PM

    Amy, we all have days like that, c-section or no. At least I do. I assume you and I aren't the only ones. :D Sometimes it just doesn't matter that it's not the right time and I know it. I just want a baby. I'm not gonna go out and try to have a baby until I feel like it's the right time, but there is nothing wrong with wanting one. In fact I think we are made that way on purpose. It is such a blessing to be able to have babies and Heavenly Father wants to bless us. Just keep taking care of your body and do your research (I know you do both) and you'll make the best decisions you can when the time comes for the next one. In the meantime give Hyrum some extra snuggles and dream about little bitties. :D

    I like you.

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  2. EPVCCorierJuly 27, 2011 at 11:42 PM

    Amy I am sure you know by now that " one day at a time" is a big part of my life philosophy. You can only control your own actions you get no say in complications regarding a vbac. Everyday you get up and do what is best for your family and I know you are working to put yourself in the best position possible to have a vbac. The rest (the guilt, worry and depression) just needs to be let go. Change what you can control and then let the rest go. Whatever happens during the delivery of you next child will be determined by many factors and not all of them will be up to you. Regardless of the outcome you know you are a strong woman, a passionate mother, and a child of God.

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